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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22483513">Him</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashfen/pseuds/Ashfen'>Ashfen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Scared of Running but Terrified of Staying [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Given (Anime), Given (Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Angst, Dissociation, Gen, Hospitals, Panic, Past Abuse, Trauma, past abusive relationships, suggested past dubcon, this isn't even hurt/comfort it's just hurt/more hurt, traumatic flashbacks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2019-10-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 13:41:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,601</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22483513</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashfen/pseuds/Ashfen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of drabbles about Haruki thinking too much.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Haruki Nakayama/original male character (past)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Scared of Running but Terrified of Staying [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2136237</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Warm Memories</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So I nabbed these solos from my rp account, and figured I'd start collecting them here! I'll re-upload them here as well as I write more lmao</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He sat in the middle of the floor of his apartment, knees pulled under his chin as he mechanically rubbed the sleeves of his shirt.</p>
<p>It was 𝘩𝘪𝘮, again.</p>
<p>Memories. Warm memories. Memories that made Haruki miss 𝘩𝘪𝘮.</p>
<p>It made him feel sick.</p>
<p>Why did he miss 𝘩𝘪𝘮? He was supposed to hate 𝘩𝘪𝘮; supposed to not have any regrets about leaving.<br/>He didn't deserve what 𝘩𝘦 did. He deserved better than 𝘩𝘪𝘴 treatment. 𝘏𝘦 had done so many horrible things to him, didn't 𝘩𝘦?</p>
<p>So why? Why were those early memories such a siren call, despite knowing how everything ended? Despite knowing what 𝘩𝘦 would do if 𝘩𝘦 found him again?</p>
<p>Did Haruki still love 𝘩𝘪𝘮?</p>
<p>He didn't know; he didn't know.</p>
<p>And so the man remained on the floor, gently rocking back and forth as he perpetually rubbed the sleeves of his shirt.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Pretend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Just stop thinking. <br/>Stop thinking.<br/>Stop thinking.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He was just making something for lunch. It was just lunch; why did 𝘩𝘦 have to come up? What did grilling a sandwich have to do with 𝘩𝘪𝘮? Why did something so simple, so <em>mundane</em> remind him of being screamed at and told he was worthless?</p>
<p>𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱.</p>
<p>Being slammed by his throat against the wall.</p>
<p>𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵.</p>
<p>Being threatened with a knife after trying to go out with friends.</p>
<p>𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵.</p>
<p>Being used.</p>
<p>𝘐𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘪𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘪𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥! </p>
<p> 𝙅𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙩𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡! </p>
<p>The smell of something burning.<br/>The bread.<br/>Twenty minutes had slipped by.<br/>He didn't have an appetite anymore.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Phonecall</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰?" <br/>His phone clattered to the floor as he quickly cupped his hands over his mouth.<br/>"𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴?"<br/>He'd just wanted to stop thinking for once. It only made him think more.<br/>"...𝘏𝘢𝘳𝘶𝘬𝘪?"<br/>There was nothing but panic left.<br/>Silence from both ends. 𝘏𝘦 hung up, eventually.<br/>He'd have to get a new number.<br/>He could blame it on being drunk. Why else would he have called 𝘩𝘪𝘮? He didn't miss 𝘩𝘪𝘮. He couldn't. He was just drunk, and thinking too much. He'd thought about 𝘩𝘪𝘮 and Akihiko too much, maybe he'd even mixed the two up.<br/>Anything made more sense than missing 𝘩𝘪𝘮.</p>
<p>Haruki could hardly breathe.</p>
<p>He felt completely sober now, at least.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Christmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Busy. <br/>Busy. <br/>Busy. <br/>Busy.</p>
<p>Too busy to think about 𝘏𝘪𝘮.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Christmas had always been his favorite holiday for various reasons over the years.</p>
<p>The look on his sister's face as she opened her gag gift. Being with his family. Cooking with his mother and grandmother. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>𝘏𝘦 wouldn't get violent because they were always with 𝘏𝘪𝘴 family. The proof that 𝘏𝘦 really did love him. Being able to talk to his family without going behind 𝘏𝘪𝘴 back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The snow. A warm cup of hot chocolate. All the lights.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now he appreciated the season for the distraction it offered him; buying and wrapping presents for everyone, the occasional Christmas dinner with Take-chan and his family, even decorating his little tree gave him something else to do other than remember having Christmas at home, or think about how lonely he really was.<br/>Or worse, think about 𝘏𝘪𝘮.</p>
<p>So he hummed along to a carol playing on the radio, and did his best to fill his head with thoughts of how busy he was.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Spotted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His mind was spinning, swirling incessantly. He couldn't hear himself think and yet his thoughts were screaming. On the ground knees drawn to his chest, praying to whoever was listening.</p><p>He'd seen <em>him</em>. Outside his building. They'd locked eyes.</p><p>And then Haruki had been running to lock everything, turn off every light and close every blind. Yatake was coming over that night. He should be almost there. So he just had to wait <em>him</em> out.</p><p>Banging on the door.</p><p>"Haruki?"</p><p>Yatake. He was safe. Haruki practically ran for the door.</p><p>"Haruki, calm down, you look like someone tried to kill you! What happened?"<br/>
"Did you-- did you see <em>him</em>? O-outside?"<br/>
"What-- when? Oh my God, are you okay?"<br/>
"Just a minute ago! I went out for a smoke on the balcony a-and we locked eyes and--"<br/>
"Haruki we saw each other a second ago. Are you sure it wasn't me?"</p><p>Sickened horror. What the hell was wrong with him to see <em>him</em> in Yatake? Why did he mix them up? Was he going insane?</p><p>What was wrong with him?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Dissociation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In and out of awareness.<br/>Hours pass in minutes and a minute drags along the clock.<br/>Was he real?<br/>Was anything real?<br/>Who was he?<br/>Empty space.<br/>His mind was filled to the brim with empty space.<br/>How long had things been this way?<br/>He was alone.<br/>Alone with his thoughts about <em>Him</em>. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Hospital</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>An unfamiliar bed. An unfamiliar room.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Blood.<br/>There was blood in his eyes.<br/>He didn't understand why <em>he</em> was rapidly towering over him.<br/>He didn't have time to think before everything went dark.</p>
<p>Haruki woke up with a throbbing pain in his head in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room.<br/><em>He</em> wasn't there. His sister was.</p>
<p>'Oh thank God you're alright. What happened?!'</p>
<p>He vaguely recalled being told by someone - by <em>him</em> - what to say.</p>
<p>"... I fell."</p>
<p>'Bullshit! Tell me what actually happened Haru!'</p>
<p>Haruki fell silent. <br/><em>He</em> wouldn't like it if he told the truth. It'd only make things worse.</p>
<p>He'd be alone.</p>
<p>"I already told you. I fell."</p>
<p>'<em>You know he's always been a klutz.</em>'</p>
<p>He flinched at the sound of <em>his</em> voice. His sister rose and got in <em>his</em> face. <em>He</em> couldn't be here, not while she was there. Not now, please, <em>please.</em></p>
<p>'What did you do to him?'</p>
<p>The throbbing in his head worsened.</p>
<p>'<em>What makes you think I did anything?</em>'</p>
<p>He couldn't breathe.</p>
<p>'Because you always do!' </p>
<p><em>He</em> glared viciously at her as <em>his</em> hand twitched. <em>He</em> was going to hurt her. <em>He</em> was going to hurt his sister. </p>
<p>"Stop it!"<br/>They both froze. Haruki was trembling.<br/>"I just fell! Please, that's all that happened!"</p>
<p><em>He</em> sneered.</p>
<p> '<em>You should listen to your brother if you know what's good for you.</em>'</p>
<p>She glared at <em>him</em> before turning to Haruki, who could only wordlessly beg her to drop it.<br/>She left.</p>
<p>'<em>Get changed and come on.</em>'<br/>He didn't speak. <em>He</em> grabbed his arm hard enough to bruise it, and yanked.<br/>'<em>Now.</em>'</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Haruki woke up with a start in a familiar bed in a familiar room.<br/>Safe, but for how long?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I rewrote this from memory at 2 in the morning after accidentally deleting the draft of the original so if it's wonky that's why</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Discovered</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <strong>Run.</strong>
</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Something was off. Something was very, <em>very</em> off. He couldn't put his finger on what it was but Haruki knew that something was incredibly wrong. What was it? His shift was about to end and it had been nagging at him all day. Had he forgotten something at home? Was the tag of his shirt sticking out <em>what was it?</em><br/>It finally clicked when he was walking to his car. </p>
<p>Eyes. <br/>He'd felt a pair of eyes on him all day at work. <br/>It was far worse now. </p>
<p>He looked around rapidly for the source but couldn't find one, his heart racing before he froze. </p>
<p>
  <em>Kaede.</em>
</p>
<p>There was no mistaking it. There was no mistaking the pair of eyes that bored right through him. <br/>He'd been found. </p>
<p>Haruki was running, pushing his body far more than he had in a long time to get to his car and <em>go</em>, get away as fast as he could. </p>
<p>He slammed the door shut and took off as soon as the engine started, knuckles white as he gripped the wheel with trembling hands. Would he have to leave? Abandon the band and his friends?<br/>What if he never found that again? He could lose everything he'd fought for in the past few years, all because of <em>him.</em></p>
<p>Haruki's chest tightened. <em>He</em> would always be in pursuit of him, wouldn't <em>he</em>? He could never <em>really</em> know peace.</p>
<p>He'd only ever be entitled to the occasional brief respite for the rest of his life.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time had slowed to a near standstill for him.<br/>He was terrified, practically trapped inside for fear of encountering <em>him</em> again.</p>
<p>Why? Why did this have to happen to him? What had he done to deserve this constant fear, this pain?<br/>He'd tried so <em>hard</em> to be a good person, he'd done everything he could to help others whenever he could, he'd tried going to therapy, he actively avoided hurting people the same way <em>he</em> hurt him, he tried to be the best person he could be why wasn't it ever <em>enough?</em></p>
<p>No matter what he did, <em>he</em> was always there, like his shadow.<br/>Like a demon.</p>
<p>           It hurts...<br/>                                         Why did it<br/>                                                        have to be<br/>                                                                        him?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Hair</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He was sad and stupid and drunk. What better time than now for him to make horrible decisions?<br/>Like cutting his hair.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Haruki cuts his hair for a <em>slightly</em> different reason than in canon.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was gone. The wish he'd put so much of himself into was gone, just like that. A literal fucking weight had been lifted off of him. <br/>If only feelings worked that way. <br/>The locks of hair on the floor promised that nothing would ever change. He'd always be pushed aside for someone else, if he was even acknowledged in the first place. <br/><em>He'd</em> been right: no one would ever love him, if they weren't <em>him.</em><br/>"I'm sorry…!" He sobbed, trying drunkenly and entirely in vain to try and put the long strands back. "Please, I'm sorry Aki…" <br/>Curling in on himself, Haruki shivered. <br/>"... Kaede…"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The moral of the story is stop letting Haruki drink alone</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Returning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Slowly, slowly he was going out again.<br/>If he changed his schedule, then <em>he </em>would lose track of him again, right? Haruki didn't want to run away anymore, he didn't want to cut off ties with these people. </p><p>Being in a band again made him happy, Yatake was the first friend he'd had in years, and Akihiko...</p><p>Haruki was finally enjoying life again, and he wouldn't let <em>him </em>take that away. If that meant working around <em>him, </em>then so be it.</p><p> </p><p>Anything was better than running away again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yes I do subscribe to the belief that Haruki fled an abusive ex boyfriend and I'm gonna continue to portray that even if it gets debunked</p></blockquote></div></div>
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